Module 2: How to spot a boundary
Difficulty with boundaries is we are unsure of what they are
Boundaries: Give us choices so we don’t have to say yes
The Invisible Line
A major issue for all of us when setting personal boundaries is not really knowing what they are and what they look like. Consider this, if we are all a little clueless in this area then could we all be surrounded by poor boundaries in work, in your family in your friendships? If so, who is a good role model for us?
Read this list, sound familiar?
How many?
Saying ‘no’ when you mean ‘yes’ or ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’
Feeling guilty when you do say ‘no’
Acting against your integrity or values in order to please others
Not speaking up when you have something to say incase …
Not calling out someone who mistreats you
Allowing yourself to be interrupted or distracted to accommodate others immediate wants or needs
Becoming overly involved in someone’s problems or difficulties
Not defining and communicating your emotional needs in your closest relationships
Do you recognise any of the above situations?
These situations are acts of us giving our power away through compliance, self-denial, or neediness, there are weak boundaries.
Boundaries give ourself choices to you say yes, when to prioritise ourselves and stand in our power rather than being reliant on others for validation.
Please note: If these statements resonate, it is not a criticism please take it as a moment of awareness or clarity; ’Oh yer I’ve experienced that and absolutely this doesn’t work for me.’
“The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs.”
— Joan Didione
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Pause moment:
> Consider the Joan Didion quote, how willing are you (really) to accept responsibility for how you set boundaries within your life. It is a big step to take this level of ownership.
FEEL BOUNDARIES CHALLENGE
Activity 2: Having awareness of an unhealthy boundary is the first step in really establishing healthier boundaries. This is an activity to draw your attention to unhealthy boundary moments we are our uncovering limits, those moments where it just want right.
2. Experience Boundaries
This is a powerful exercise in building the skills to know when boundaries are not serving you. Developing these skills will lead to you being able to make different choices, once that benefit you.
Aim: Build a working knowledge of unhealthy boundary encounters
Why: Awareness creates an opportunity to make a choice or a different type of decision next time
How: Identify situations where someone may have crossed your boundaries. Please select the ones that apply to you, and use the ‘Notes’ section to note down your emotional experience
What you need: Pen & paper
Time: 20 mins
Here’s How…
Turn phone to silent, switch off email & find 20 mins for you & your thoutghs
Once you have your materials, you have a space to undertake the boundary challenges you are set.
Go through each statement and find the ones that resonate
Note down what you observe about your thoughts, feelings and actions
The list can be downloaded
Example Scenarios
Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants.
Feeling responsible for others’ happiness; using your time and energy to try to make that person happy
Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment; creating a kind of stickiness and an inability to make a decision
On occasions, you base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you (this might be with certain people, or in certain situations)
Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.
Saying yes when really you mean no
Feeling guilty when you on occasion get to say no & the guilt leading you to think constantly about how bad you feel & how badly they must think of you
The self-doubt that you even deserve or is worthy to set these boundaries, or you are allowed to have opinions on how you spend your time and energy
A close friend of yours doesn’t appear to have an understanding of your boundaries relating to available time, finances, energy etc.
Feeling the need to justify, over-explain why it’s not possible to undertake something for someone else, but also needing their acceptance that it is ok that you have stuff going on (but they have their own opinion anyway)
Finding you are doing stuff you don't really want to do
Feeling obliged to be working longer hours than you are required (therefore your own needs slide)
Beating yourself up for saying yes when really you meant now; ‘it’s my fault’
Not being able to possibly take a job, move, do something you want to do, go to college, change jobs, move, change the current status quo, because others will not approve
Avoiding situations like meeting friends, dating, not attending an event because a person close to you will be angry, jealous, disappointed
Not speaking up for yourself in a customer service situation about something that isn't working for you
Not saying ‘this behaviour is inappropriate’ when someone disrespects or devalues your needs
Not being confident enough to say to someone these are my emotional needs
Feeling you have to step into to save, support or fix a situation with someone close to you (it happens a lot)
Do you believe you really dislike drama but often find yourself in the midst of it?
Have you noticed someone take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain?
Dependent on others options when making choices
To Finish Up
What have you learnt from this exercise that has surprised you
How will this help you in the future
What is your biggest outtake or learning that you want to own from now on
What one small action can you take today that will help you build boundaries
How confident are you in taking this action? Can you give it a score: scale: 1 low - 10 super high
What or who could get in the way?
FEEL BOUNDARIES CHALLENGE
Having awareness of an unhealthy boundary is the first step in really establishing healthier boundaries. This is an activity to draw your attention to unhealthy boundary moments we are our uncovering limits, those moments where it just want right.