Module 3. Why Bother: Are they really that important
The purpose of boundaries is to allow you to act authentically, with courage & honesty
Boundaries: Strengthen our confidence & self worth
The Invisible Line
Having identified times where your own power has been given away, its time to realise what the cost is of giving away power you on your
Self-confidence
Self-respect
Self worth
If we freely give away power it’s a really strong indicator we not are able to prioritise ourselves yet. We have not developed the skills to put our needs first. But anyone can learn, everyone can change with willingness.
Why Bother?
Having personal boundaries in place allows us to communicate our needs and desires clearly without fear of repercussions with those around us. They, therefore, are vital in order for us to thrive and have healthy relationships as they allow us to choose who to let into their lives (who supports us) and to what extent they are allowed in our lives.
Freedom
You don’t let people take advantage of you
You don’t have to fix other people’s problems unless you truly want to
You don’t get sucked doing pointless stuff for others
You are not solely responsible for keeping the peace with your family, partner, friends, colleagues - they are adults too
What are you leaving behind?
What is building here is a future where although situations challenge you, you are not caught up in drama, your emotions are not embroiled with others experience.
You have set space for you to be you creating a clear distinction between who you are and who others are.
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What does it mean to leave behind drama, guilt, and busyness?
Higher self-esteem; you recognise you deserve more
Mutually sharing and trusting relationships at home, work and with friends
Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion
An equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.
Building assertiveness to confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no”
Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from others
But first, we need to really understand the true cost of a lack of boundaries, to find the motivation and willingness to set clear boundaries in the first place.
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Pause moment
> Think back over the past few days, how many times have you got caught up in others drama or been pulled into other people’s business? It’s left you emotionally drained with little space for you?
COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS
Activity 3: What is the cost to your well being? This exercise enables you to understand the true cost, it forces you to realise how detrimental unhealthy boundaries are to you personally.
3. COST-BENEFIT
This is an incredibly powerful exercise, you find a lot of hidden stories we hold to be true hidden in this activity. Read the example below, it is on from a client who complained of being tired of being the family project manager.
What this exercise aims to do is add up the costs of our actions, thinking and feelings, comparing these with associated benefits.
What we are seeking to understand is how do our current strategies in life support us or do they actually cost us more than we expected?
Aim: Reflects on how energy, £, time & emotions are used within our daily lives on others / not others needs
Why: To understand what it costs us; energy, £, time & emotions and how easily we give them away
How: Identify situations from work, home and socially & estimates cost & benefits
What you need: Pen, paper & time
Here’s How…
What do you need to know firstly
Definitions
Personal energy: The amount of effort you are capable of giving within your mind and body, to things, people, or challenges. ... It's called personal energy because it's your energy. Your thoughts, emotions, and choices affect it. Sometimes we give more energy than we are capable of giving.
Time: Represents the amount of time, the frequency of time and even the percentage of time we dedicate to a particular situation, person or even our own thinking
Emotional energy: How much emotional energy is invested into particular situations at work, in our relationships and ourselves. How our wellbeing is effected by our emotion energy.
Let’s Get Started
Identify a situation, experience or relationship from work, home and socially (or use the situations identified in module 2)
Pick one of the areas of analysis (personal, time, £, emotional)
Consider how you think, feel, act
Write out benefits to you for thinking, feeling, acting - add a value (0=low/10=high)
Write out costs to you personally, you might want to add a value (0=low/10=high)
Write out benefits to you for thinking, feeling, acting - add a value (0=low/10=high)
Reflect: what emerges, what do you notice, what themes are present?
Emotion: What emotion emerges now you have reflected?
Action: What action could you take straight away to redress the balance?
Here’s An Example
Feel responsible for others happiness:
Benefit: My level of happiness & satisfaction = 8: It makes me happy to create family moments at the weekend when we can all be together. Post-lockdown we have started to get out & explore new things. I really love seeing my children and husband having fun together.
Cost: My level of exhaustion and resentfulness is = 8. I am exhausted by thinking, planning and diary management to create family moments. Mobilising everyone on the day is stressful (snacks, pack lunches, activities, just in case clothes etc….the list is endless). Pressured to create perfect moments, checking out weather, location, and inviting others.
Experience loss and anger when we have nothing planned. This leads to a cycle of bickering behaviour between me & my husband. I blame him for not helping or planning anything. I resent him for being focused on work.
At the end of the weekend sometimes I am absolutely exhausted from doing, I get really resentful that no-one said thank you or would you like some time for you - but I didn't take it or ask for any time either!
Reflection:
No one asked me to do this, I have chosen to do it.
Sometimes the children enjoy just being at home with us both & I feel just as much satisfaction.
I think I need to make up for lock-down (no one said I needed to, assumption).
I am tired of being super organised all of the time.
Emotions: The resentfulness and anger is bad for my relationship with my partner, it sometimes bubbles-up in front of the children. This is a really big cost. I leave little time or energy for me; I am pushing always.
Action: ASK!
Ask everyone if they want to have a stay at home day.
Ask for help planning & mobilising on the day.
Take time out for me to go for a swim on Saturday’s.
Loose some of the assumptions about what makes everyone happy.
Big Outtake: Assumption - The theme I am noticing is I give too much time and energy away from assumptions. I justify the assumption with I am making people happy. This is not an act of love for me or the family.
I don't respect my own energy levels or those around me. I am making decisions for them and therefore pushing myself & them to the limit. I am always on because of this assumption.
My emotions are embroiled its others experience, I am not separating them out, this happens in work too.
To Finish Up
What have you learnt from this exercise that has surprised you
How will this help you in the future
What one small action or change can you make straight away, that will reduce the cost on you personally?
How confident are you in taking this action? Can you give it a score: scale: 1 low - 10 super high
What or who could get in the way?
COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS
What is the cost to your well being? This exercise enables you to understand the true cost, it forces you to realise how detrimental unhealthy boundaries are to you personally.