Module 1: What are Personal Boundaries?

The purpose of boundaries is to protect you by prioritising your needs

Boundaries: Empower you to say ‘no’

The Invisible Line

Personal boundaries are almost an invisible line that empowers you to say ‘no’ verses, no line of defence allowing your life to be interrupted or taken advantage of by others.

What else?

Within the invisible line is physical, mental and emotional space set out between you and others. Within the space are rules or limits as to how others can treat you, behave around you. The flip is personal boundaries offer a guide to what others can expect from your actions and behaviour this is something often overlooked.

Personal boundaries could be said to be an act of taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others;

Responsibility

The advantage of responsibility means loosing the feeling of guilt or expectations of how others show up. Sounds powerful - right?

Choice

Without boundaries, you’ll find yourself doing what others want you to do, instead of making your own choices. Without choices emotions of resentment, hurt and anger breed, these are tough emotions and it doesn't stop there. Emerging from the negative emotional responses are experiences of confusion and disconcertedness which result in a kind of inertia or stickiness because the choices don't feel like your own. 

The sting in the tail is personal boundaries are the limits you decide that work for you and only you can set and maintain them - ouch! 

  • Types of Boundaries

    It’s not an exhaustive list but a place to start thinking more broadly about boundaries:

    Physical boundaries: This is about your needs for personal space, your comfort with touch, your physical needs like needing to rest, eat food, and drink water or physical space such as your home, car or work areas. 

    Healthy physical boundaries include an awareness of what’s appropriate, and what’s not, in various settings and types of relationships.

    • Example: Consider physical contact. For some hugging is natural and creates an intimacy you enjoy, for others think individuals who are more introverted, have strong religious beliefs are neurodiverse, there are lots of reasons why a hug, a light touch on the arm or a kiss on the cheek would be a physical boundary violation.  This level of nuance makes it quite complex, but a basic awareness allows us to understand how we use touch ourselves and how it affects us really.Emotional boundaries: These boundaries protect your sense of self-esteem and ability to separate your feelings from others. These include beliefs, behaviours, choices, a sense of responsibility, and your ability to be intimate with others. The strength of the boundary will be greatly affected by others’ words, thoughts, and actions.

    Emotional boundaries: These boundaries protect your sense of self-esteem and ability to separate your feelings from others. These include beliefs, behaviours, choices, a sense of responsibility, and your ability to be intimate with others. The strength of the boundary will be greatly affected by others’ words, thoughts, and actions.

    • Example: Consider the experience of family dynamics when a sibling criticises another family member. The criticism is uncalled for its a judgement, is not supportive and is causing friction around the diner table. For the criticised person they are not able to calmly say, this is not your business, instead, emotions rise it’s like getting caught in the midst of a hurricane with no protection, every crossword is felt deeply and they end up feeling bruised, wounded and battered. A lack of confidence to say this is not up for debate or being able to allow the other person to hold an opinion and not be affected is because boundaries do not exist in the family dynam

  • > Pause moment: 

    How would it be like to allow someone to hold a less than favourable opinion of your working or parenting style? To listen. Not react. To breath & say. That’s an opinion, I do not see it that way. This however is not up for debate here. I would appreciate it now if this is not discussed further. 

  • Intellectual boundaries refer to personal thoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for others’ ideas, and also an awareness of appropriate discussion topics and themes; Should we talk about the politics or vaccination at work or at a friends dinner party you have been invited to. 

    How we handle ourselves when we are not in agreement or believe it appropriate to challenge an idea can be a sensitive area. You may have experienced at work when your idea has been dismissed or an opinion you have had is belittled, it is not always about the challenge but the way in which the challenge has been delivered: Think tone, speed of delivery, language, the volume of voice, how a persona holds themselves, their body language,  as well as if a person is interrupted or spoken over. Boundaries could have been crossed.

    Time boundaries refer to how a person uses and shares personal time. To have healthy time boundaries, a person must set aside enough time for each aspect of their life such as work, relationships, self-care for health & wellbeing, we all hold a variety of roles in our lives. Time boundaries are violated when another person demands too much of another’s time and it is freely given without protest. 

    One thing to note, it could be your own attachment to busyness, doing, achieving, that creates a tendency to violate your own boundaries leaving yourself feeling pressured, tired, and frustrated.

    An Important Note: If you have experienced an abusive physical or emotional relationship, this is not your boundary issue. This is the other person's issue. Please, therefore, get support from someone qualified, someone who can help you see this and find a way to move forward

    [Should Sexual Boundaries be included in this list, does it seem appropriate? Does it feel like it is missing?]

Activity 1

CREATING SPACE CHALLENGE

Personal boundaries an invisible line and that can be challenging to know where your boundaries end and others start. This exersize enable you to visualise and experience a sense of boundaries. To build up our understanding of boundaries lets create a physical space for you & test out what it feels like.

Experience Boundaries  


This is a powerful exersize, that requires a suspension of judgment and belief in whether it will work, if it is a good idea or not. Your task is to create a physical circle around you using a scarf or string, and test out the size of boundary you are comfortable in. This activity has the potential to be quite eye opening as you challenge yourself to shift your own perception of boundaries their size and what is important to you and what needs to be pushed further away. Seeing people, roles, responsibilities, physically in your space shows you how little room there is for you. 

 

Aim: To create an intention of space for you to be

Why: To experience boundaries or space around you

How: Create physical space. Observe your experience of space. Be you for a moment.

What you need: Scarves or string, pen, paper or post-it notes.


Here’s How…

 

Phase 1 - 5 minutes 

  1. Once you have your materials, you have a space to undertake your boundary challenge you are set

  2. Centre yourself by taking three deep, slow breaths to quieten the mind of to dos, expectations, judgements for just a moment

  3. Using scarves (something long) create a circle on the ground big enough to stand or sit in, but not too big

  4. Stand in it: What does it feel like, how much room is there for you?

  5. Sit in it - what do you experience? Too big too small?

  6. Note down on paper any immediate thoughts, any emerging words or themes that you can hear

  7. Reset: taking three deep, slow breaths to quieten the mind

  8. Change the size of the circle & stand and then sit in it, again what emerges for you (big, small, breathing space, claustrophobic, what ever emerges listen to it, feel it in the body & note it down

  9. Repeat process until the optimal space has been created for you

  10. How does it feel to have this intentional space for your needs?


Phase 2 - 20-25 minutes

  1. Consider what is in your boundaries that you appreciate & cherish; self love, self care, friends, compassion, safety…think emotions, think people…what ever springs to mind what is in your boundaries that you love

    1. Write on paper / post-it notes (each person, feels or role)

    2. Physically place the words and themes inside the boundary walls

    3. Reflect: What is it like to experience this goodness

    4. Take a picture of the boundary

  2. Consider what is in your boundaries that you are uncomfortable with / would like challenge

    • Consider the activities, task, responsibilities you have & you’re not 100% comfortable with

    • Consider what feelings these unwanted responsibilities evoke

    • Consider what stories you hear / tell yourself about the roles, responsibilities

    • Consider the people who are not supportive of you & how you perceive them

    • What else springs to mind?

    1. Write on paper / post-it notes each idea

    2. Place them inside the boundary walls

    3. Reflect: What is it like to experience these challenges?

    4. Take a picture of the boundary

3. Consider what you would like to send over the boundary wall

    1. Identify what you would like to place outside of the boundary walls

    2. Reflect: What is first over the boundary wall?

        • Was it easy or hard to send them over?

        • What next?

        • Repeat until you are fairly comfortable with your space

        • What are you not ready to push over the boundary wall yet or is proving more challenging?

        • What do you notice straight away about your space?

    1. Take a picture of the boundary

Phase 3 - 10 minutes

  1. What one small action can you take, based on what you have observed that will help you to create space & boundaries for yourself today?

    1. What is the small action?

    2. When will you take action?

    3. What could get in your way of this action & how will you challenge it?

    4. How willing are you to take action?

To Finish Up

  • What have you learnt from this exercise that has surprised you

  • How will this help you in the future

  • How would life be different with having personal boundaries in place?

  • Who else would benefit from personal boundaries being in place

  • How will you know you have achieved your first boundary?

  • How confident are you in setting this boundary? Can you give it a score: scale: 1 low - 10 super high

  • What or who could get in the way?

  • Why is this important to you? This message is a something to remind yourself when facing a challenge that gets in the way of creating personal boundaries of why somethings have to change. Remember what you wrote before?

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Module 2