Module 5: HOW TO UNDERSTAND YOUR NEEDS
The purpose of boundaries is to protect ourselves, mentally, physically & emotionally
Boundaries: Reflect you know what you want for yourself
The Invisible Line
To recap, healthy boundaries are set to protect and ensure we take good care of ourselves, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Our boundaries are based on what we indicate to ourselves and others that we will or won’t hold ourselves accountable for OR allowing us to make decisions based on what is best for us, and how we respect the people around us and who we engage with; essentially its how we self-govern our right for autonomy.
You may believe that to get along with others or to do the job that you're paid to do, you need to give much more than you take. Perhaps you say things like, "Whatever you choose will be great!" and agree to do things that you don't want to do, and shouldn't have to do.
Unhealthy Boundaries
Think back to module 3, we learnt unhealthy boundaries have a cost to our energy, our headspace and to our physical environment. To avoid conflict with others could well create conflict inside yourself leading to anger and tension from denying yourself needs.
What now?
It's far better to identify what you need and develop strategies to ensure that your needs are met. Easier said then done, well all that work you did in Modules 2 and 3 can be built on here. By starting to identify what you needs are, by assessing what right you would like to have exerted instead, ready?
I Have the Right
Activity 5: Personal boundaries are an invisible line and that can be challenging to know where your boundaries end and others start. This exercise enables you to visualise and experience a sense of boundaries. To build up our understanding of boundaries lets create a physical space for you & test out what it feels like.
Experience Boundaries
This is an incredible exercise, that requires you to think about what you want. The perspective is what rights you have in situations, what values you believe are true for you in these given moments & what you would like to happen - its not often we get asked this, so enjoy the experience.
Aim: Build a working knowledge of what your needs are
Why: Awareness creates an opportunity to make a choice / a different type of decision
How: From the situations identified in module 2, identify what rights you would like to have exerted instead
What you need: Pen & paper
Time: 15 mins
Here’s How…
How it works
Review the situations identified in the boundary moments
Review the 20 ‘I have the right…’ to statements below, which statement resonate
Write out the statements and include a personalised few words that capture what needs are required
Using the example from Module 3 of ‘I feel responsible for others happiness’ my client identifed:
I have the right to ask for what I need…from others by asking for help
I have the right to determine my own priorities…seeing them as just as important as the wider family
I have the right to my need for space and time…and to take the time out
I have the right to treat myself well and to be healthy….by taking time out to swim as it helps us all when my headspace is calmer
I have the right to change and grow…and forgive myself for the assumptions made and how I have chosen to live our lives
I have the right to take care of myself…as well as I take care of my children which means involving them
Here is a list of rights to explore, it is certainly not exhaustive but will give you a starter or 10.
I have the right to ask for what I need.
I have the right to say no to requests or demands that I can’t meet.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes and to not have to be perfect.
I have the right to have a difference of opinion or way of seeing the situation.
I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
I have the right to express my positive and negative feelings, as long as they do not harm anyone.
I have the right to determine my own priorities.
I have the right to not be responsible for the behaviour, feelings, or problems of others.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to not know the answers or to say, “I don’t know.” & that be ok
I have the right to be angry at someone I love and to express this in a moderate manner.
I have the right to my need for space and time.
I have the right to treat myself well and to be healthy.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to have my needs and requests honoured by others.
I have the right to be treated with respect.
I have the right to my feelings no matter if they are grief and sadness or joy and elation
I have the right to take care of myself.
What would you like to add?
To Finish Up
What have you learnt from this exercise that has surprised you
How will this help you in the future
How would life be different with having personal boundaries in place?
Who else would benefit from personal boundaries being in place
How will you know you have achieved your first boundary?
How confident are you in setting this boundary? Can you give it a score: scale: 1 low - 10 super high
What or who could get in the way?
Why is this important to you? This message is a something to remind yourself when facing a challenge that gets in the way of creating personal boundaries of why somethings have to change. Remember what you wrote before?
CREATING ACTIVITY: I have the right (I really do)
Personal boundaries an invisible line and that can be challenging to know where your boundaries end and others start. This exersize enable you to visualise and experience a sense of boundaries. To build up our understanding of boundaries lets create a physical space for you & test out what it feels like.